Questions parents should ask the other family

How to use these questions

• Go first. Answer each question about your own family before you ask it. Families open up when you do.
• Spread them over two or three meetings. The first visit is for warmth, not for a list.
• Ask about what your child will live with. The routines, the money and the expectations of that home matter far more than its size.
• Both families ask. The girl’s parents asking about the boy’s home is as normal as the other way round.
• Your son or daughter decides. Parents gather information; the two people make the choice. Share what you learn with them honestly, and see the questions the couple can ask each other.

1The family and the home

• Who lives in your home today, and who will live there after the wedding? Add a note
• What does a normal day look like in your house: when do people wake, eat and pray? Add a note
• How are household chores shared today? Is there help at home? Add a note
• How are big family decisions made, and who has the final say? Add a note
• Which festivals, rituals and fasts does your family keep, and which are optional? Add a note
• What are the food habits at home: vegetarian, non-vegetarian, onion and garlic? Add a note
• How often do relatives visit or stay with you? Add a note
• Does anyone in the family smoke or drink, and how does the family feel about it? Add a note

Why it matters: These answers describe the life your child will live every day, far better than any description of the family’s standing.

2Where the couple will live

• Will the couple live with you, near you, or on their own? Add a note
• If they live with you, will they have their own room and some privacy? Add a note
• If either of them is transferred to another city or country, would you support the move? Add a note
• How often do you expect them to visit, and how will festivals be shared between both families? Add a note
• Who will look after you as you get older, and what role do you see for the couple in that? Add a note

3Work and money

• What exactly does your son or daughter do, and where? Is the job permanent? Add a note
• Do you expect your daughter-in-law to keep working? Would you support her career, including travel or late hours? Add a note
• How would your son feel if his wife earned more than him, or worked longer hours? Add a note
• Does the family have any loans or financial commitments the couple would share? Add a note
• Is there a family business, and is your son or daughter expected to join it? Add a note
• Will the couple manage their own money, or is income pooled in the family? Add a note

Why it matters: Expectations about a daughter-in-law’s work are one of the most common sources of unhappiness when they are assumed rather than asked.

4What you expect from a daughter-in-law or son-in-law

• What do you expect from your daughter-in-law in her first year with the family? Add a note
• Are there customs she would be expected to follow, such as what to wear at home, or fasts? Add a note
• How would you like your son-in-law to be part of your family? Add a note
• If the couple disagrees with you about something, how would you want it handled? Add a note
• Will the couple be free to make their own decisions about their home and their money? Add a note
• Do you have any expectations about when the couple should have children? Add a note
• Is there anything about our family that worries you, that we should talk about now? Add a note

5The wedding itself

• What size of wedding do you have in mind, and roughly what budget? Add a note
• How should the wedding costs be shared between the two families? Add a note
• Who will be invited, and roughly how many guests from each side? Add a note
• Which ceremonies matter most to your family, and which could be simpler? Add a note
• Is there a timeline you have in mind, or a date that is already fixed? Add a note
• Do both families agree that no dowry or gifts will be asked for, in any form? Add a note

Why it matters: Wedding plans are the first big decision two families make together. How the other family talks about money and ceremonies now is how they will talk about them later.

6Health and history

• Is there any long-term illness in the family that we should know about? Add a note
• Would your son or daughter be comfortable with a thalassemia test before deciding? Add a note
• Has your son or daughter been engaged or married before? Add a note
• Is there anything about the family we may hear from someone else, that we would rather hear from you? Add a note

7The two of them

• What does your son or daughter want from marriage, in their own words? Add a note
• Has your son or daughter seen the biodata and agreed to meet, or is this your decision so far? Add a note
• Would you be comfortable with the two of them meeting alone, or talking on the phone, before deciding? Add a note
• How much time are you comfortable giving them before a decision? Add a note

Why it matters: A family that won’t let the two talk, or wants an answer after one meeting, is showing you how decisions will be made after the wedding.

Red flags for parents

• Any mention of dowry, “gifts”, a car or cash, however politely it is put.
• Pressure to decide quickly, or to skip a second meeting.
• The son or daughter never speaks, or can’t answer for themselves.
• Vague or changing answers about the job, income or a past engagement.
• Conditions about your child’s looks, complexion or weight.
• Refusing to let the two of them talk privately.
• Expectations of the daughter-in-law that appear only after the families agree.
• Rudeness to staff at home, or talking down to your family.

How to ask without causing offence

• Ask over tea, not across a table. These are conversations, not an interview.
• Explain why you ask. “We ask because our daughter works late twice a week” lands better than the bare question.
• Answer the same question yourself. If you would rather not answer it, don’t ask it yet.
• Visit their home, and invite them to yours. One meeting at a restaurant tells you very little about a household.
• Write down what you learn after each meeting, while it is fresh. That is what the checklist below is for.