Questions to ask before an arranged marriage

How to use this list

• It’s a conversation, not an interview. Don’t ask all 46 at the first meeting. Pick five or six that matter most to you, and save the rest for the second and third conversations.
• Every question works both ways. Ask it, then answer it yourself. If a question feels too personal to answer, it’s probably too personal to ask yet.
• The girl and the boy should both ask. This list is for both of them, not for one side to check the other.
• Listen for how they answer, not just what. A thoughtful “I haven’t decided yet” is better than a perfect answer that sounds rehearsed.
• Talk alone at least once. Parents should meet and ask their own questions, but the two people getting married need time to talk without an audience.

1Values and everyday life

• What does a normal weekday look like for you, and a normal Sunday? Add a note
• What are you proud of so far, and what do you still want to do? Add a note
• How religious are you, and how religious is your family, day to day? Add a note
• Which festivals and rituals matter to you, and which are just habit? Add a note
• Do you drink or smoke? How do you feel if your partner does? Add a note
• What does your diet look like at home, and is it a rule or a preference? Add a note
• How do you like to spend money on yourself: travel, things, experiences or saving? Add a note
• Who are the two or three people you’re closest to, and what do they say about you? Add a note

Why it matters: Most friction in a marriage isn’t about big beliefs. It’s about Sunday mornings, food, and how much time goes to whom.

2Career and ambitions

• Where do you see your work in five years? Do you plan to change jobs, start something or study further? Add a note
• How many hours do you really work, and do you travel or work night shifts? Add a note
• After marriage, do you expect your partner to keep working? Would you support a career break, a move or further study for them? Add a note
• Would you move to another city or country for your work, or for your partner’s? Add a note
• If one of you had to give up an opportunity for the other, how would you decide? Add a note

Why it matters: Expectations about work after marriage, especially the woman’s, are one of the most common sources of regret when they’re assumed instead of discussed.

3Money

• What do you earn, roughly, and is the income stable? Add a note
• Do you have any loans, EMIs or credit card debt? Add a note
• Do you support your parents or siblings financially, now or in future? Add a note
• After marriage, will you have a joint account, separate accounts or both? Add a note
• Who decides on big spending, like a car, a house or the wedding budget? Add a note
• Do you save or invest regularly? What are you saving for? Add a note
• How should the wedding be paid for, and how big should it be? Add a note

Why it matters: It can feel awkward to ask about money, but a hidden loan or a family obligation is far more awkward to discover after the wedding. Ask once, kindly and directly, and share the same details about yourself.

4Family and where you’ll live

• After marriage, will we live with your parents, near them, or on our own? Add a note
• What role do your parents expect to play in our day-to-day decisions? Add a note
• What does your family expect from a daughter-in-law or son-in-law? Are any of those expectations non-negotiable? Add a note
• How often would we visit each family, and for festivals, whose home comes first? Add a note
• Who will care for your parents as they get older, and how about mine? Add a note
• How are household chores split in your home today? How do you imagine them in ours? Add a note
• If your parents and I disagree about something, what would you do? Add a note

Why it matters: In an arranged marriage you marry into a household, not just a person. The last question tells you more than almost any other.

5Children and the future

• Do you want children? If yes, how soon and how many? Add a note
• How would we share the work of raising them, including night feeds and school runs? Add a note
• What would we do if we couldn’t have children naturally: treatment, adoption, or neither? Add a note
• Is there any pressure from family about having a son, or about timing? Add a note
• How do you imagine our life at sixty? Add a note

6Health

• Do you have any long-term health condition, allergy or regular medicine I should know about? Add a note
• Are you comfortable with both of us taking a thalassemia test before we decide? Add a note
• Is there any illness that runs in your family? Add a note
• How do you look after your mental health when things are hard? Have you ever talked to a counsellor? Add a note

Why it matters: Nobody should be judged for an illness, but everyone deserves to know before they commit. Hiding a condition is a far bigger problem than the condition itself. See medical tests worth doing below.

7Past and boundaries

• Have you been engaged or seriously committed to someone before? Is there anything about it I should hear from you rather than someone else? Add a note
• Are you still in touch with anyone from your past that I should know about? Add a note
• How much personal space do you need: time alone, time with friends? Add a note
• Is there anything about your phone, social media or friendships that you’d want me to respect? Add a note

Why it matters: You don’t need every detail of someone’s past. You do need to know that nothing important is being hidden. Ask gently, and accept a short answer.

8Conflict and communication

• How do you behave when you’re angry? What do you need when you’re upset? Add a note
• How was disagreement handled in your home growing up? Add a note
• What’s something you’ve changed your mind about in the last few years? Add a note
• Is there any reason, at all, that you’re agreeing to this marriage other than wanting to? Do you feel any pressure from family? Add a note
• What would make you feel this marriage was a mistake? Add a note
• What is one thing you’d want me to never do? Add a note

Why it matters: The pressure question is the most important one on this list. A marriage someone is pushed into rarely starts well, however good the match looks.

What families can check, respectfully

Families often want to confirm what they’ve been told. That’s reasonable, as long as both sides do it openly and to the same standard.

• Meet at home, more than once. One meeting at a restaurant tells you very little about a household.
• Confirm the job. A LinkedIn profile, an office ID or an offer letter is normal to ask for, and an honest person won’t mind.
• Speak to one or two people who know the family, such as a common relative, a neighbour or a family friend, and ask open questions, not leading ones.
• Check that the biodata matches what you hear. Small differences are normal. A different degree, job or marital status is not.
• Never go behind someone’s back with private investigators, fake profiles or calls to their workplace. If you don’t trust what you’re told, say so, or walk away.

Red flags to take seriously

• Being rushed: “decide by this weekend”, “the muhurat is fixed”.
• Any demand for dowry, “gifts”, a car or cash, however politely it’s put.
• Vague or changing answers about job, income or a past marriage.
• Parents answering every question while the person stays silent, or can’t decide anything without them.
• Treating the woman’s career, education or opinion as unimportant.
• Checking your phone, controlling who you talk to, or anger out of proportion, even early on.
• Refusing a reasonable request, like a medical test or a second meeting.
• Your instinct saying something is wrong. That is allowed to be enough.

Medical tests worth doing

These aren’t about judging anyone. They give you information while you can still plan.

• Thalassemia carrier test (HPLC). India has one of the highest numbers of thalassemia carriers in the world, and most carriers have no symptoms and don’t know it. If both partners are carriers, each pregnancy has a one in four chance of a child with thalassemia major, who needs blood transfusions for life. If only one partner is a carrier, that risk doesn’t arise. It is a simple blood test that usually costs under ₹1,000.
• Blood group. A different blood group is not a reason to say no. If the woman is Rh negative and the man Rh positive, doctors give a routine injection during pregnancy to prevent problems. It is simply good to know in advance.
• A general check-up, covering blood sugar, blood pressure and thyroid, is sensible for anyone, married or not.
• Infections such as HIV and hepatitis B can be tested privately, and many couples choose to.

Share the results with each other, privately. A doctor or genetic counsellor can explain what any result means for you.

How to ask without it feeling like an interview

• Go first. “I’ll be honest about my finances: I have an education loan of about ₹4 lakh. Is there anything like that on your side?”
• Explain why you’re asking. “I’m asking because my parents live alone and I’ll want to visit often.”
• Ask open questions. “What does family mean to you?” gets a real answer. “Are you family-oriented?” gets a yes.
• Spread it out. Three or four meetings or calls are normal before deciding. A good match won’t mind.
• Write down what you learn. After a few proposals the details blur. That’s what the checklist below is for.