First meeting in an arranged marriage: what to talk about

What to expect

• At home, with both families. Often at the girl’s home, over tea and snacks. The elders talk first, then suggest the two of you speak.
• Or somewhere neutral. A café or a relative’s home is common now, especially when one of you lives in another city.
• Time on your own. Usually twenty minutes to an hour. If nobody offers it, ask for it politely.
• No decision on the day. Families often ask “so?” on the way home. “I’d like to talk again” and “I need a day to think” are both complete answers.

Before you go

• Read the biodata again, and note two things you’d like to know more about.
• Agree with your parents on what will be discussed in front of everyone, and that the decision will be yours.
• Pick three or four questions from the lists below. Remember them; don’t carry a list.
• Wear what you’d wear to a family function: neat, comfortable, and something you feel like yourself in.
• Be on time, and if you are meeting somewhere public, tell someone where you’ll be.

1Easy ways to start

• How was your week? Is work busy right now? Add a note
• How did your family decide it was time to start looking? Add a note
• What do you usually do on a Sunday? Add a note
• Have you lived anywhere other than your hometown? Add a note
• What’s the best trip you have taken? Add a note
• Which food could you eat every single day? Add a note
• What do your friends tease you about? Add a note

Why it matters: Light questions first. People talk more freely about a trip or a favourite dish than about their plans for the next ten years.

2Work and plans

• What do you enjoy most about your work? Add a note
• How do you unwind after a long day? Add a note
• Where do you see yourself living in five years? Add a note
• Is there something you have always wanted to learn or try? Add a note
• What are you saving or planning for right now? Add a note
• Do you plan to keep working after marriage? How do you feel about your partner working? Add a note

3Family and values

• Who are you closest to in your family? Add a note
• What is one tradition from your home that you want to keep? Add a note
• How do you like to celebrate festivals? Add a note
• How were disagreements handled in your home growing up? Add a note
• What does a happy home look like to you? Add a note
• How involved do you expect our parents to be in our lives? Add a note

4Before you say goodbye

• Is there anything you wanted to ask me that you haven’t yet? Add a note
• What made you agree to this meeting? Add a note
• Is there anything about this process that is making you nervous? Add a note
• Is there anything important about you that I should know early on? Add a note
• Would you like to talk again, maybe on the phone? Add a note

Why it matters: The last question matters most. A clear “yes, let’s talk again” is all a first meeting needs to achieve.

What to avoid in the first meeting

• An interview. Twenty questions in a row feel like a job interview. Ask, listen, then share something about yourself.
• Salary and property. They matter, and your families will discuss them. Between the two of you, save money for the second or third conversation. Here are the questions to ask before deciding.
• The past in detail. It’s fair to ask, gently, whether there is anything important you should know. The details can wait.
• Comments on looks, weight or complexion, even meant kindly.
• Other proposals. Never mention or compare them.
• Your phone. Put it away for the time you have together.

Good signs, and things to notice

• Good signs: they ask about you, not only about your job; they listen to your answers; they speak warmly of their family but think for themselves; you laughed at least once.
• Things to notice: every answer is what their parents want; they talk only about themselves; they are rude to a waiter or to staff at home; they push for a quick decision.
• Nerves are normal. A quiet, awkward first meeting is common, and says little about how the second will go.

After the meeting

• Give yourself a day. Write down what you liked and what you are unsure about, before the family discussion starts.
• One meeting is rarely enough. If you are unsure but not uncomfortable, a second call or meeting is the right answer.
• Reply within a few days, yes or no. These ready messages make it easier.
• If it’s a no, say so kindly and clearly. Here is how to say no to a rishta politely.